70 lbs in just under 20 weeks

I debated about sharing this for public view. Sharing involves giving some of yourself away, and its an important thing to manage for most who aren't extremely extroverted, which (in this season of my life) I am not.

But this felt like the right move at the right time, so here we are.

As of this morning, I was able to break through my weight sticking point. I know exactly how, too, and it validates my adherance to a rule that, until this week, I'd stuck to for 99.9% of the journey so far.

Sweets and I don't get along well.

Half a dark chocolate candy bar one day, roughly 3 tablespoons of peach cobbler the next. Sounds harmless, but they threw off my carefully managed calorie deficit, introduced some wild cravings, and just wreaked havoc on my whole routine.

A one-off when I'm doing well is one thing, but having them when I'm struggling for consecutive days? Recipe for disaster.

I'm don't even really have a sweet tooth; that's what really threw me for a loop. Those seemingly minor transgressions messed me up for a bit there, but I'm happy to report that I'm now firmly back on track.

I should have been here a week ago, but I'm here now.

This is a win, and something to build on.

LFG

Weigh day

2 lbs down.

This week felt like another fail.

I dropped this weight between Friday morning and Saturday morning, and have not moved a pound since then.

To make matters worse, I probably should have been at this weight at last Friday's weigh-in. There were missteps leading up to that one, so essentially I've had a full week of treading water.

Not going to sugarcoat it - I'm highly annoyed. I'm not going to hit my weight loss targets at this rate. 

It's progress, but well short of what I'm capable of. But the beauty about life is that each day that you wake up is another opportunity.

LFG

Long day

It's just after midnight.

Woke up to a sore back that compromised everything for the first 3/4ths of my day.  I believe it was due to the perfect storm of living through my injury, yesterday's streneous back workout, sleeping poorly, and today's humid, damp and rainy weather.

Through lots of stretching, some dead hangs, and mobility work, I was relatively pain-free and mobile again by the time the sun set. So I got 10k steps in and crushed a leg workout.

Now that I've showered, finished my gallon of water, and have time to reflect as I wind down before heading to bed, I can say that I definitely didn't think I'd  accomplish this much given how the day began. I almost talked myself out of doing anything, but in hindsight I'm so glad that I pushed through and showed up - both for myself, and for my health.

Keeping my eye on the prize, and one small victory at a time is the only way to win.

The hunger

I generally don't get hungry anymore. I greatly enjoy eating, but something about the way I'm managing my nutrition and exercise has resulted in me simply eating for performance and function, on a set schedule, with little to no exceptions.

Tonight has been one such exception.

I want something else to eat so bad that I can barely stand it. It is so intense that I can't tell if it's actually physical or just mental.

I have had my calories. Hit my macros. There is no reason to eat anything else. I just want it, like you wouldn't believe.

I've put in 10k steps and a hard lifting session in the hours since dinner. Just chugged a bunch of water, and now I'm laying here, watching (people cooking on) YouTube, trying to get sleepy, romanticizing what I'll eat around noon tomorrow.

This isn't so much willpower as it is just remaining locked in on the big picture. But damn - is that hard to do right now.

Reset mindset vs. stsying the course

I weighed this morning what I should have weighed yesterday.

I didnt exercise myself to death, or starve myself.

I just stuck to the plan, stayed disciplined, and got a better night of sleep than has been the case in a while.

Lots to do this weekend. Hoping to keep the momentum going.

Weekly weigh in

3lbs down.

Should have been more.

For the first time in a while, I managed to lose a bit of weight consistently every day... Until this morning.

Made a big breakfast burrito with bacon, eggs, pork sausage, fried potatoes, and a ton of cheese. Then, as if that wasn't enough, I used a sauce from a restaurant that I couldn't account the precise calories and macros for, and had some tortilla chips on the side. I thought my math was mathing, but I'm guessing that was a 200-400 calorie swing in the wrong direction.

So from yesterday to today I gained a pound and a half, vs losing another half pound. That is a likely 2lb swing; so, instead of making up for last week, I'm still a bit behind where I need to me to remainbon my weight loss schedule.

It sucks. Pretty disappointed in myself overall. But I will adjust, I will keep at it, and I will persevere.

Job's not finished. Let's get it done.

The long and winding road

Got the diagnosis.

The recommendation is surgery, but I can continue to try and heal as I have been, and see how it goes from there.

I have lost 12lbs in the last 30 days; slightly off schedule by a pound, but I can accept that progress as a good thing for the most part.

I tightened up on a few things over the past 5 days - being more mindful of my calorie limit, weighing food more often, and estimating less. But my sleep is a mess (still) and I really want to get my step count closer to pre-injury levels.

I expect a return to form on this week's weigh-in, barring a disaster in the next two days. We shall see.

Weekly weigh in

2 lbs down.

I struggled again this week. Not making excuses, or being ungrateful for my continued and consistent progress, but this wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough.

I had 2-3 days where I was quite literally at the tipping point of falling off vs. maintaining my efforts. Lost focus, not keeping sight of my long-term goals. I felt fragile, deflated, and borderline defeated. Too many calories, not enough movement. I kept up with my protein goals, water goals, took my vitamins, but the fire wasn't there for a heightened effort like it had been.

It was a single moment when the fog cleared, and I came back to my senses. I'd had my pity party, my mental break, whatever it was - but now it was time to get my shit together and go back to work.

If I overate for meal 1, then it would be my only meal that day. If I didn't lift weights, I would double up the next day so that I kept on schedule going forward, even if I had to go up till midnight.

I grinded my way through thst sticking point, and it reminded me that those small battles are what wins the war. I remembered how I genuinely relish those moments once I'm in them - the trick is making sure that you show up for the fight.

I feel a lot more like myself again. I still have many challenges, but I'm going to face them with that fire burning hot inside me - not cowering in the face of my own mortality, waiting for my turn to die.

1 lb above of my monthly weight goal on one scale, 1 lb below it on the other. It is a pity, but Im still making progress that is quite substantial. And the job's not finished.

Let's GO

The Fight

I'm making steady progress in the midst of an epic struggle. And it is taking a LOT out of me mentally and physically.

I have been struggling to stay on top my cardio and sleep routines because of my injury. It severely hampers my mobility, and it makes laying down comfortably dang near impossible at times.

Those two being compromised has thrown my eating off, which in turn affects my energy and focus, particularly when its time for me to do resistance training or mobility work.

I'm adjusting on the fly, trying to work my way through this rough patch. Pushed some workouts to different days and times, been less active, still trying to eat mindfully, take my vitamins, drink my water... But I'm not nearly as in a grove as I was a couple weeks ago.

I'm still on track from a weight loss standpoint... But I do have concerns as to how long that will remain true if I can't get a few things resolved.

I've got an MRI today, but the follow up appointment isn't until next week. Answers should be coming,  but staying the course in the meantime is taking me out.

Nothing and everything

1 month ago, I weighed 15 lbs more than I do today.

Many doctors would rather give you a shot that you will need monthly to manage a condition that hasn't even been properly diagnosed than for you to take more tests to find out what's actually wrong with you. It's about money for them.

2 months ago, I weighed 28 lbs more.

Fitness isn't a 30 day program or challenge. Those are launching pads, not the entire experience. We don't become unfit overnight, and we won't get fit overnight.

I am beginning to believe. Truly believe.

Eating for the goals you want to pursue isn't miserable unless you are shooting for an extreme result as quickly as possible. Once you accept a longer timeline, eating can still be something you enjoy greatly.

Time is a tool, and a teacher, and a blessing, and a thief.

Struggle, by design. The rewards are almost always worth it.

Weigh Day

2 lbs down.

But, as a net calculation (holistically - not strictly a scale-centric measurement), this was the WORST week since I've been on this current run, which began in May.

I am injured, and the American medical system is broken. I am mentally and emotionally at my wit's end as it relates to dealing with stressors that, quite frankly, I should not have to deal with. There are situations that I am managing, both for myself personally and for others, that are just taking the piss right out of me.

The collective impact is hitting me pretty damn hard right now. It feels like too much. And it all feels to have come to a head at once. It's affecting my focus and my ability to remain steadfast and resolute in this fitness effort.

I don't have a means to unburden myself. And I don't trust anyone enough to lean on other people to help me through it all.

So what happens now? It's simple.

I'm going to do what I realized a long time ago was the only way to get through anything that I'm facing.

I'm gritting my teeth. I'm putting my head down. And I'm going straight through the barriers standing in the way of me getting to where I need to be.

Fuck this week. Not only am I still standing, but I'm fired up and ready for war.

LFG

Playing hurt

Major injury setback this week that I'm trying to work through.

Not going to speak on it and give it power, but I have struggled greatly - both mentally and physically.

Might not hit my weight loss goal this week.

I haven't missed any resistance training sessions. Have had to change up some exercises, and daily step counts have been greatly reduced.

It sucks. But I'm not letting it beat me.... Stay tuned.

Abundance abounds

I will always choose my own health and my own sanity.

I will not be defined down by others' inability to manage their own thoughts, situations, or intentions.

I will pour from my vessel, as I am able, to the vessel of those who need it.

I will not empty, greatly deplete, or pour needlessly from my own vessel.

I am more than my past.

I am more than someone else's perception of who I am.

I will not abide misrepresentations to take hold or affect me; such occurrences will simply create permanent and profound distance between myself and such parties.

I am and will continue to be present and attentive to those things which move my spirit, and I will give no more than a passing thought to that which doesn't move me forward.